Archive for May, 2008

Absolute Bastard

I’ve just spent the afternoon helping syphon 13 litres of petrol out of Wil’s Suzuki Bandit motorbike tank. He filled up at Morrisons this morning and by the time he got home his bike was about to self destruct. Smoke was pouring out of the exhaust and it was running hard on 2 or 3 cylinders.

After taking the carbs apart the decision was made to drain the entire system down and replace the fuel and that’s where I sat for the remainder of the afternoon. Kneeling at Wil’s feet while he held the tank I offered up can after can to the small trickling spout underneath the tank trying to catch it all. Repeatedly having it run down my arm and on to the floor and the fumes… jesus, the fumes. I swear after the 3rd can pink monkies started floating around the garage.

Each drip of fuel that hit the floor felt like losing a cup full of liquid gold – the sound of a cash register ‘cha-chinging’ echoed around the room.

The best bit is – it’s still not running properly, looks like more pink monkeys tomorrow then.

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Friday Night

Monky NutsAhh Friday night hath arrived and here I am completely dressed and wearing my dressing gown over the top of my clothes because it’s cold. And there he is assuming the usual position on the red chair with his feet up on the matching footrest, remote control in one hand and drink in the other, complaining about being hot.

Gin & Tonic sweating away onto a coaster next to me and he with his glass of water. Now he’s reciting lines from Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels simultaneously with the movie.

Dead pixel alert on the LCD tv – we both got up to investigate closer but its a false alarm, thank goodness. I don’t know where the warranty documents are.

My how times change – not so many moons ago I’d have been falling around a club by now on Gin no. 14 looking for my shoes, these days amusement comes from watching my other half crack a monkey nut in his arse cheeks.

We know how to live.

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Ok, Political Views Aside Then, Can I Interest You In Any Double Glazing?

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Wild Animals Shouldn’t Be Wild

Don\'t get close, I\'ll scratch your eyes outWatch this drivel here: Video Link

The news report goes: This little kid was just standing there watching the Peacock at Oregon Zoo when the bird jumped up, grabbed his face and then let go – leaving scratches.

The zoo spokesperson said that the birds have roamed the grounds freely for decades and that it’s unusual for the birds to attack. At which point the reporter asked about 2 other attacks that happened in 2006 – both on kids.

Those times were different, he said. The first kid and the bird both went for the same sweet on the ground and the second kid had been chasing the bird to provoke it.

Mum and Dad are then interviewed and they start laying the drama down about ‘they (the zoo) knew it’d already happened so what are they going to do to stop it happening or if it happens again’ blah blah blah.

That’s right – take your kid to the ZOO, let him sit there having a stare-off with a very large pompous bird and then wonder why little Timmy gets his face kicked in. Lesson: stand back from the animals and give them space. Animals and birds in general mostly do not go out of their way to attack people unless they are protecting their young or themselves. Give them space and they’ll leave you alone!

I hear stories of this tone at work every day – letters that come in stating “I was JUST driving at 4mph when my car left the road, flipped over 15 times and threw all the brand new tyres and rims I just bought off across the field and now they need to be replaced because this is all down to the fact you just resurfaced my road and I got tar on my wheels”…

Ok- highly unlikely… just like the image we’re being fed here that little Timmy was JUST looking at the bird. Not that he was too close to it, or blocking it’s way, or wiggling his sticky grubby fingers at it or feeding his face with an icecream at the time or anything? He just stood there and this attack bird, who has no history of going for anyone before runs over to him and jumps on his face.

It pisses me off because here are people once again looking for someone else to take responsibility for them.

It’s a zoo – most of the animals are caged up – a few are left wandering around so that you don’t totally feel detached from the ambience of being around these magnificent creatures – YOU ACCEPT THAT WHEN YOU WALK IN THERE. Even family pet dogs can be unpredictable sometimes! Use some common sense and stop turning the whole show into a nannystate for god sake.

You’ll be relieved to know they sent all those other pesky Peacocks off to a ‘farm’ and it’s likely that the rest of them will follow. I’ve an idea – why don’t we shoot those bastard lions and gas the bears and duck tape those tricky bugger monkey arses up because we all know how they like to fling their excrement around. And I don’t want no monkey crap in my eyes… I might not be able to see when there’s an attack Chinchilla headed my way.

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Too Technical For My Own Good!

(This is an older story I hadn’t published from 15 May 2008 )

I spent the last couple of days with a hire car for business, it was a 2007 Seat Leon. After I’d spent two days fearing that I might be given something like a Nissan Micra to do the 500 mile round trip in I was relieved to see the sharp looking silver Seat awaiting my arrival in the work car park. First hurdle – figuring out how to unlock the doors!

Standing on the passenger side I pressed the unlock button on the key fob and then watched as the indicators gave a confirmatory flash and an audible ‘clunk’. I tried to open the passenger door – it was locked. I pressed the button again – doors remained locked. I pressed the button for the rear hatch – it wouldn’t open. The only door that I found unlocked was the driver door and from here I had to reach into the centre console to press an unlock button that released the other doors.

The fun continued when we arrived in Cardiff. The two of us pulled up in the layby outside the hotel and dumped our bags on the pavement. I left Di with the bags while I pulled the car across the road into the car park where I spent numerous attempts at locking the car but continuously found the drivers door wouldn’t lock. I even wondered if the key fob had some sort of sensor inside it that when located within a certain distance from the car would automatically unlock it… but then HOW would you lock the damn thing?! With that thought I walked several cars away down the car park, placed the key on the floor, walked back to the car and pulled on the drivers door. And, unsurprisingly watched it open.

With that, I left the damn thing unlocked and walked away accepting the fact that none of our stuff was in the car and it wasn’t my car anyway.

Two days later I returned to the car which was as I left it. I opened the door and was immediately deafened by the alarm. At least pressing the button on the key fob disabled the alarm even if it didn’t lock the damn door!

Myself and Di got in the car and headed over to the venue for the last day. When we arrived in the car park I was reminded again of the stupidity with the locks because this time all of our stuff WAS going to be left in the car. I handed the keys to Di, ‘here, see if you can get this damn thing to lock’.

She pushed the button and I opened the door. She pushed it again and again the lights flashed, the doors clunked but I was still able to open it. Looking perplexed she wandered around the car to the drivers door where I was stood with my fingers under the handle ready to pull the door open.

Then she did an amazing thing. She took the key, inserted it into the lock and turned it.

It locked.

Later someone took this photo of me driving home.

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And THIS Is Why I’m A Working Mother

I’m off work for a couple of days during the school half term break to be with Cam only he’s reminded me this morning why doing this Mother/Son quality time DRIVES ME NUTS!

If repeated plays of this by your kid doesn’t make you reach up and tear your own ovaries off their branches I don’t know what will!

And to think all I had to be frustrated about today was Gordon Brown.

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Political Piffle

Thieving Pikey Nasty Man

Words really can’t describe how much I dislike this man and everything he stands for.

Here he is today in the news trying polish his turd like appearance by going to meet the oil companies in efforts to find a ‘global solution’ to soaring oil prices.

I believe that like I believed Bin Laden when he phoned me to say ‘I’m off for a shave’

What’s he really doing?

1) Trying to salvage his increasingly tarred reputation in an attempt to raise public favour.

2) Bring the prices of fuel down enough so that he can slap on the 2p tax he’s been itching to levy. Because tax, we love it and clearly we don’t pay enough.

3) No really he wants to lower oil prices so that we can all afford to run cars – because how the hell is he going to continue to hike the price of road tax, emissions tax, driving tax, your-car-is-painted-black tax if none of us can afford to run cars?

4) And if there are no vehicles on the roads what purpose are the 48 billion speed cameras going to serve?

This whole shower of shit goes way beyond petrol.. what about house prices?, what about the illegal immigrants?, what about my freedom and my privacy?, what about the cost of food? – because while everyone has been concerned about the cost of running their cars the price of a weekly shop has rocketed nice and quietly…

You know, that 4×4 I own is currently sat on the driveway being used about as much as every exercise video I bought in the 90’s not because I can’t afford to run it but because I plainly refuse to keep funding the governments pocket for the privilege of driving a car I like.

It’s a nice plan that I have a little theory about – a theory which, if my little brother reads this will cause him to wrap me in sheets of the Daily Mail newspaper and send me down to the unemployment office to hand out soup to those poor unfortunates who are unable to find work, because the theory goes like this.

Whats the point in offshoring large corporations? It’s cheap.. Premises are cheap abroad and so is labour.

Why pay well educated citizens of the UK good money and benefits to work for you when ‘Kevin Smith’ aka ‘Sanjit Singh’ will do the job for a fraction of the cost in India?

Those marvelous Polish workers over here? They turn up on the dot at 7am every morning, they don’t sit in the van reading The Sun and only start work after 5 cups of tea. No, they crack on and get the job done well in half the time for a fraction of the cost.

I’ve never understood why when I was left as a single mother at the age of 27, I got very little help from our government. I got some benefits but I nearly had to hand over both kidneys to get them and even then they still only gave me enough so that it would take the edge of my situation yet still leave me unable to pay bills each month. It made me rather cross when I was filling out one of these forms the length of my leg and found in the accompanying brochure that if I really was scum I could get my traveling and lunch costs for going to visit a family member in prison reimbursed BY THE GOVERNMENT.

This government is happy to promote scum. They seem to love to pay for the real down and outs who know how to play the system, I know this now because I realise that my biggest downfall when I needed benefits as a single mum was that I was working. I had morals and ethics.

So dear Gordon Brown and your wonderful Labour party, and you, Tony Blair, founding member of ONE BIG COCK UP – you continue to turn the screw on all the worthwhile people in this country, the ones who work hard, don’t scam benefits, pay their taxes and watch us all move abroad. And then you continue to let in every immigrant – legally or illegally because really its academic to you isn’t it. And then you’ll have the nice big cheap society you’ve been wanting. They’ll work cheaply for you, they won’t need benefits because they didn’t have them where they came from anyway and when you’re tired of them you can run them through a set of gas chambers to dispose of them.

PS: Before you do… I have lots of windows I’m monopolising on in my house – shouldn’t I be paying some TAX on them?

Deja vu..?

The New Gordon Brown?

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