Airing My Potentially Dirty Laundry

pink bra

Cameron has developed this little wart on the top of his left hand and although I offered to get him some wart remover he declined, that is until it got bigger and caused a child at cub camp to start referring to him as ‘Wart Boy’. All of a sudden Cam was so desperate to get rid of the wart I found him in the bathroom attempting to remove it with a pair of nail clippers.

So today I left work and made straight for Asda where I could pick up some wart remover. Just as I entered the store it dawned on me that I desperately needed some new bras so I took a quick detour via the underwear section. Sadly I was immediately attracted to a bright pink plain bra at the end of the row. I say ‘sadly’ because upon inspection of the tag I found this bra to be part of the Katie Price range or ‘Jordan’ as she’s better known. I might have known, being bright pink and all.. it’s not a colour I usually go for but aside from the colour it was pretty plain and only £12 and my size. I grabbed one in pink and one in white and headed off to find the wart remover.

Given the contents of my hand at the time of my arrival at the check out I walked straight into the first empty checkout I came to and placed my items so that the bras were face down leaning against the box of wart remover which I’d positioned in such a way that anyone arriving behind me in the line wouldn’t immediately read the box. And this was the precise moment when an attractive suited gentleman who’d smiled at me when I drove past him in the car park decided to use this checkout to pay for his purchase, a bag of dog food.

This is where my slight discomfort at the situation became more like a case of red ants making their way into my ass crack as I hurriedly grabbed the first bra the girl swiped through the register and shoved it into my oversized handbag – obviously because I’m environmentally concious and wanted to spare a plastic bag and slightly frustrated that now the Wart remover was sat there uncovered.

Two girls then joined the queue and the cashier picked up the wart remover, turned the box around to find the barcode and with the urgency she’d probably display had she been walking the green mile, scanned it through the register. With my minutes of embarrassment nearly at an end she reached for the bright pink bra and scanned it through.

“Nice, these Jordan bras aren’t they?”

“er yes, yes they are”

“I bought two” she continued “you don’t know you’re wearing them”

“Oh, really I smiled” glancing back at the suited man who was now raising his eyebrows so as to provoke my opinion on the matter

“OOh look, that’s come up half price!”

“marvellous” I replied.

With the wart remover and one bra securely in my bag as soon as it bleeped across the scanner I pulled the bright pink bra from her hand and buried it in my bag only to find the small plastic security tag was still stuck on it. I reluctantly removed it again and handed it back for her to remove the tag only the tag wasn’t going to be removed that easily not by her, not by the girl at the register behind her but maybe, MAYBE by her manager who she summoned via the PA system.

At this point the entire queue of people behind me had thoroughly examined my new bra, heard the recommendation of the large busted lass sat at the checkout and watched as 3 people attempted to get the security tag off.

This can’t get any worse, I thought and then I rethought because it could get much worse if only she picks up that PA system again and asks for a floor runner to grab another BRIGHT PINK KATIE PRICE BRA IN SIZE 32E FOR THE LADY IN ISLE 24. Yes, it could get much worse so at that point I did the only thing that comes naturally to me in awkward situations – and started taking the piss.

Seeing the other 2 girls in the queue must be thinking exactly the same thing as me I pulled on a big smile and made a mockery of the particular item I was unfortunate enough to get stood at the checkout with in front of a long line of customers..

“WELL!! IT COULDN’T HAVE JUST BEEN A BAG OF CRISPS COULD IT”

Thankfully they laughed and as they did the supervisor took the bra away to try the tag at another removal device. It worked and she promptly returned allowing me to stuff the bra in my handbag with the other items and darted for the door with my receipt and keys squeezed in my hand.

And that’s when the door alarm sounded.

I flung around on the spot in slow motion like the scene in The Matrix and came face to face with with the greeter who was looking at me suspiciously trying to figure out the whereabouts of my shopping bag.

I sheepishly offered him my unzipped handbag where he looked at the three items crammed in amongst my purse and sunglasses and then looked at me with a face of a grandparent who’d just stumbled upon my collection of porn under the bed.

I handed him my receipt and explained my intention of saving a bag, he looked relieved and walked me to the closest check out in order to remove the remaining security tag from the white bra.

Suit man then walked past with his bag of dog food and a righteous grin covering his face at the sight of my bag and bras being rifled through by this little old man as I looked on with a very red face.

He waltzed past only slowing to remark

“Hope the warts come off easier than that security tag”.

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7 Comments »

  1. Allison said

    Yikes!

    At least the man could see that you bought a fun pink bra. That should certainly count for something.

    I had a wart acidfied off of my palm when I was in the 8th grade. The doctor put a bandage and tape around it afterwards. I was so embarrassed that I lied to my classmates and told them that I got injured slicing an apple in my palm….then they started asking very specific questions and my story fell apart. I am a very poor liar.

  2. jade said

    That was sooo bloody funny, had to call Kal over to read it so he knew why I was pissing myself laughing!

  3. foxsden said

    Allison – Specific questions.. like ‘did you cut through the core or around?’ and ‘how many pips fell out?’

    It was pretty funny once I got in my car Jade!

  4. auntie Christ said

    See now, I though the story would go somewhere else, but it seems that guy was no gentleman, and you were nervous for nothing. It’s like when you spend hours getting all dressed up for a special occasion and the first thing your mate says is “is that really what you’re wearing?” May he step in his dog’s shit.

  5. Joker said

    Best thing would have been if after seeing the wart remover and bra ensemble the guy said, keep the third nipple, it’ll make the bra look better.

  6. foxsden said

    😀

  7. […] Den {November 18, 2008}   Revenge – A Dish Best Served After 4 Months Remember this post ? More to the point, remember the bloke who made that horrid jokey comment about my wart remover and […]

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