I’ve Got What?

dressI bought this dress to wear to an upcoming Christmas party. Generally I don’t wear dresses or skirts this short because not having been born one of lifes tall, leggy long limbed people I’m never confident that my legs are up for the job.

Now I’m not saying I’m fat, I’m perfectly ok with my figure and my legs for that matter – it’s just that the cut, fit and length of clothes does not flatter everyone in the same way. Just below the knee length is the most flattering on me, not thigh skimming.

However, I have been doing a lot of running and cycling and feel that my legs have become a bit more toned lately, perhaps enough to distract from my ever crippled and partially swollen knees and I thought I’d order this dress and at least, give it a try! It’ll be dark anyway, right?

It arrived at my work and the girls were immediately excited to see the dress I’d described. Everyone seemed to like it. I took it home and realised sat there at the computer wiping his nose on his sleeve would be my best critique. Cameron has not learnt how to say ‘no your bum looks great in that’. He is afterall my son and lacks the feintest sliver of tact in his body.

“Oohh what’s that” he enquired as I dumped the box on the kitchen counter.

“It’s my party dress” I smiled, lifting it out of the box by the shoulders. “What do you think?”

His nose screwed up and his eyes flicked to gauge my reaction to his…

“Have your friends at work bought you that to wear for a joke?”

Harsh, but fair considering. Several weeks ago my boss moved to another job. The 7 of us in the office took her out for the night and for daft reasons that I won’t bore you with – I ended up having to wear the most ridiculous green and white jersey top with a big polka dotted bow on the front made as a dress for a 4 year old that two girls from the office bought me at Asda. THAT, was a joke.


“No, it’s not a joke” I laughed

“Oh.. replied Cam… well it’s alright I suppose”

I decided perhaps he could better judge if I tried it on.

Standing in the kitchen with sock imprints around your pastey white ankles and 3 weeks of leg hair growth emerging like cactus spines from your skin while your 10 year old son makes a judgement on your newly purchased thigh high shift dress is perhaps to say, at the least, a sobering experience.

He studied every dyanamic of the dress from the shoulders down to the hem line and requested I turn around and then back again.

“Hmmm” he breathed out a large breath, “I think you need black tights with it”.

“Really?, ok… why’s that?”

“Well, there’s something funny”, ……………he paused………….. “there” and pointed at the hem line of the dress.

“Ok? What kind of funny?” I enquired

“Yeah, your knees” he replied

“What about them?” I asked

“I don’t know”

“You must know… are they too white, oddly shaped or so stunning that no one will be able to keep their eyes off them?”

“No”… He paused again apparently searching for just the right description

“No… they’re just too sort of…. fat”

“Too fat?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s what it is… you’ve got fat knees”

And with that he turned back to the monitor and continued watching a YouTube video on How To Create An Artex Ceiling Effect With Chewed Up Toilet Paper.

Brutal honesty I couldn’t have got anywhere else and despite it my fat knees clad in black tights, wearing my joke dress will be attending the party.


1 Comment »

  1. Lindy said

    You gotta love the innocence of kids. I bet you’ll look great in that dress. Just add the right shoes & nobody will notice that ‘knee’ thing your son thinks you have going on.

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