Cats

catsI won’t be making any friends with this post but sod it – this is my space to shout and shout I will. I bloody HATE cats. I’d rather be infested with mice, rats or any other vermin than have a cat stroll through my garden. I hate their smarmy faces, I hate their whingey yowls, I hate waking up in the middle of the night hearing them scream at each other like demonic babies, I hate the way they kill the birds that visit my garden and nest in my hedges and trees and I hate the way they half kill something, play with it and then leave it twitching on the doorstep as a little present. Hate, HATE HATE HATE. You get me? I hate them.

I hate the way they dig around in that disgusting litter tray you leave out for them, have a crap and then dig it all in with their shitty little paws and then you find it endearing when they jump up on your kitchen counter top while youre dishing out that vile smelling tinned death you feed them.

I hate the way they wander into the room after an outdoor killing spree and then take it upon themselves to pounce into your lap with their blood stained fishy mouths and start pawing at your lap pulling large plucks of your best cashmere cardy simultaneously with each claw. And then when that doesn’t fuck you off enough they stand up and arch their spine wiping their back and tail under your nose, punctuating that little gesture with a wink of their rusty sheriffs badge as they turn their arse to face you.

And for all that love and attention you lavish on these cretins they repay you by clawing at your walls and shredding your sofa arms. Nice. These things aren’t pets, they’re nothing more than a wild animal that you’re feeding and attempting to claim.  Kitty’s got news for you.

What I really have an issue with is the fact that I don’t own cats yet every other buggers cat is apparently entitled to use my garden as a shitter, is entitled to stalk and kill birds in my garden, that I can’t actively encourage or feed the birds in my garden for fear of the cats getting them. Not only that but the cats around here use a large wooden planter in my front garden as a scratching post and have done this so much they’ve actually scratched their way through about 2cms of a railway sleeper. They also take great pleasure in sitting and taunting my guinea pigs that have permanent year round access to their outdoor run which is joined on to their hutch.

I hate them, they’re vile, smelly, dirty horrid creatures who couldn’t give two shits whether you exist or not as long as you keep handing out the food they’ll keep returning.

After Wil removed 3 piles of foul smelling cat shit from the grass in our garden on Friday my blood was really boiling. I’d watched earlier as a massive fat pure white cat with the ugliest face I’ve ever seen welcomed itself into my garden over the fence and then proceeded to march across the lawn and flower beds in order to crawl through the hedgerow.

I’ll warn you now cat lovers. If your cat makes it into my garden expect not to see it again for some time because it’s new home will be in my shed. And when you start posting ‘LOST FLUFFY’ posters around the village I’ll verify my captives mugshot and ring the number for you to come and collect it.

Just be warned that when you get here, you’ll not only get your shitty cat back, but it’ll come with a free shovel with which you’ll set about cleaning up my garden.

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5 Comments »

  1. I’m kind of ambivalent towards cats – I think they’re pretty, but don’t want one as a pet (strictly a dog girl, with two old duffers currently snoring in our kitchen).

    I am also MASSIVELY allergic to cats… I don’t just sneeze if one comes near me, I literally come out in a rash all over my face, and if I accidentally stroke one my hands get covered in blisters and swell up. Not pretty.

    Oddly I am also allergic to dogs, despite the fact that I’ve ALWAYS lived with canines, I’m OK with my own dogs, but anyone elses dogs always make me sneeze, and get that scratchy feeling in the back of my throat… ooh and the itchy eyes, heavenly.

  2. Oh, p.s. I’m the artist previously known as Tilly.

  3. Foxsden said

    God that is a nasty reaction…If we just cleared the world of cats you’d never have that problem.

    I don’t think I’ll be able to break the habit of calling you Tilly! I’m glad you’ve been tempted to wordpress anyway 🙂

  4. SCM said

    Cats also climb on your car and scratch the paintwork.

  5. Foxsden said

    Yes they do… and if you get a photo of one of them on your car you are within your rights to get the owner of the cat to pay to get the scratches sorted. Makes me furious to see one crawling all over something I’ve paid thousands of my hard earned pounds for.

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