Ava-Drink And Watch It On Telly

So finally we were the last two people on earth to finally see Avatar in 3D this evening. Actually we were three, but Cameron had already seen it before.

I’m not good at movie reviews, I’m not altogether great at putting anything down in writing so I won’t attempt to spout some intelligent blurb about CGI effects and story line. Basically I enjoyed the movie. What I did NOT enjoy was being sat in the bloody cinema.

Movie aside for a moment – lets talk about a society who can’t seem conduct themselves in a manner acceptable for use around other people. And why the hell do cinemas sell edible items in NOISY PACKETS? I can’t work out if I was just brought up in a different era to everyone else or if I’m just getting older and more intolerant. Is this what living in the country does to you? Or do people really have less manners and regard for others these days?

The auditorium was fairly empty, there were small pockets of people interspersed between empty rows of seats but those people managed to produce enough annoyance to constantly distract me from the film. There was the family at 10 o’clock who constantly passed a rattly, crumply packet of sweets between each other. The teens over there who kept checking their mobile phones which caused the light to catch my peripheral vision and the family of Mum and two kids behind us who must have had the biggest bag of sweets in the whole world. Because  I DON’T KNOW A KID ALIVE THAT CAN MAKE A BAG OF SWEETS LAST NEARLY 3 HOURS. And you know what? I feel like I enjoyed every damn one of those sweets with him because every time he dug and rummaged around in the bottom of that bag for what seemed like 5 minutes he then doubled that figure with the time he spent shoving it around his open mouth, rhythmically slapping his dribbling hole open and shut in a sucking motion akin to a goldfish. It was like having my dog curled up 3 feet behind my head licking her arse and really making a meal of it. A noise that causes a convulsion deep in my core which in turn triggers the punching mechanism in my clenched fist. Only since it’s generally illegal to go around punching people, especially small children, I had to resort to leaning forward in my seat awkwardly whilst ramming my finger nails in my eyes to calm myself down.

Every time I go to the cinema I come out feeling pissed off, ripped off and tense – £27 ($50) to have the experience I could have got for free by going and sitting naked on a bed of nails at the Benefits office for an hour.

So – there I sat with my 3D glasses on prepared to be overwhelmed and amazed by James Cameron’s 3D PHENOMENON but I found myself within the first 20 minutes removing the glasses just to see what it was they were supposed to be improving. Answer – nothing. Obviously the screen didn’t look right because it was filmed to be watched through the glasses but the longer the movie went on and the more I removed the glasses I arrived at the conclusion that they’ve made a film in regular quality, then degraded it in order that you wear glasses to bring it up to something not much more superior than HD quality. I’m not playing down the entire 3D thing – there were moments when flies, plants, shrapnel and shrubbery appeared to emerge from the screen somewhat and the battle scenes were captivating but I don’t think they used the 3D thing as well as they could have. Either that, or I just got spoilt by watching the last 3D movie at the IMAX. The other thing that bugged me were the silly things such as the year being 2154 where they have these massive robot like machines that people sit inside and control by mind and body movements – yet it appeared fundamentally flawed in the fact it’s designer hadn’t managed to find a more technical improvement on your basic rear view mirror inside it!

Fortunately I’m not a big movie watcher so I don’t have a long list of movies that I can sit here and compare this one to. Even at that I can say it’s not the most original storyline and of course it’s lathered up with plenty of good old American gooeyness and moral pushing.

I liked the characters, the machines, the colours and the awesome landscapes and scenery.  I think with the ‘largeness’ of the open spaces and forest canopy, it’s definitely one to watch on the big screen.

And at any rate, you’ll need the big screen to see Sigourney Weavers lips.



1 Comment »

  1. Vic said

    We rarely go to the cinema cos it’s so expensive. It’s not just the £10 a ticket but the fortune you end up spending on drinks etc. I’d rather wait a few months, spend a tenner on a DVD and get my refreshments from my own kitchen. At least then the only disturbances I have to deal with are the boys.

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