Posts Tagged fighting a cold

Reportedly Germpulsive

I’ve just woken up with a sore feeling down one side of my throat which immediately cast my mind back to yesterday when I sat in a course on Crystal Reports XI with a trainer who repeatedly sneezed into both hands then used the mouse on my computer.

One year I had so many colds one after the other I counted up that I spent 7 months of that year sick, thus embarked on my overprotectademic of anti-bacterial warfare. Much to Wil’s amusment – using my knuckle or a gloved hand to use press buttons on an ATM, using the squirty anti-germ hand cleaner in my bag whenever I’ve been touching foreign objects in the public domain or  the anti-bacterial wipes I also keep in my bag to wipe door handles and shopping trollies before using them. Seven months of snot and phlegm is not happening again. Not on my watch.

Propping myself up in bed on a couple of pillows this morning my scowly face reflecting in the mirrorred wardrobe doors prompted Wil to ask if I was ok. I pointed out I had a sore feeling down one side of my throat that felt like I’d only been able to breathe on that side of my nose all night and that if it transpired I’d caught something off that germ-unconcious trainer man I’d drive to the West Country to hunt him down and attack him with so much germacide alcohol spray disinfectant he turn into super human Anti Snot Nose Man! dressed in a tight fitting green lyrca suit with a cartoon character of a grumpy germ on the chest crossed out with a massive X as if to say ‘No to germs’.

I appear to have thought about this too much.

“You could have picked up a cold anywhere Ren” came the reply. He’s right – after I left the training place I’d gone back to the car park where I paid at machine, ran up 5 flights of stairs and through the door on the floor where my car was parked. Then we went to the cinema and out for dinner before returning home. The multitude of surfaces, handles, cutlery, chair arms and other items that could have been hosting someones sharing of cold germs are nearly as uncountable as the amount of times my little bottle of hand cleaner was snatched from my bag and pumped vigorously into the palm of my hand during those hours.

What I needed, I explained with the previous days training fresh in my head ‘is a cross-tab report’. ‘Now how would I set that out? Items touched down the side…..’

Wil’s face snapped into work-consultant-mode and became thoughtful and serious.

At that moment in time something very wrong happened in the Kitcher-Fox bedroom in the Kitcher-Fox house.

“No no, let’s see, what would you hope to report from it..” Wil’s eyes cast to the ceiling briefly…

He continued…”Yeah so you want to see the correlation between the number of times items have been touched to see where the biggest contributing factor potentially came from to give you a cold – Could use a Boston Matrix, I’m into Boston Matrix at the moment.”

“I’m still liking a Cross Tab report – I can’t use my new skillz if I do a Boston Matrix”

“Ok, so you want ‘Items Touched’ across the top and ‘Person’ or ‘Place’ down the side, then the chart can give you the number of times so you can find the largest probability.

From the woman who gets the piss taken everytime that small bottle emerges from her bag to the man who is willing to wake up and discuss exactly what method of reporting to use to show where the biggest probability of germs found was – I’m not entirely sure if the share of piss taking is directed entirely to the right person in this house.

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Bleugh! Disease Bag

Oh it’s so great to have the little disease bag home. One week is all it took for the boy to return to school and collect a cold virus from the rest of the little grubsters.

I’ve already had 5 out of the 6 colds he suffered between Christmas and July and with a duathlon coming up this weekend the last thing I need is to get ill.

I’m not really one for taking vitamins and medicines when it comes to colds because they’ll turn up and go when they’re ready regardless of what you do but Cam and I have always been very susceptible to colds and coughs. All the running and cycling I’ve been doing lately will have given my immune system a battering and knowing it’d be a matter of time before the boy arrived back home with his usual germ party in full swing I stopped by Asda one evening and stocked up on all things cold preventative. This time I’m not going down without a fight.

This morning I woke up listening to him repeatedly drawing in lloooooonnnnnggggg stuffy snorts through his swollen nostrils. He then padded back and fourth to the bathroom, yanking arm lengths of toilet paper off the roll to screw into a small ball which got passed once across the end of of his nose before being discarded into the toilet. Then snorted his way back to bed.

I knew it wouldn’t be long after he’d gone back to school that I’d be dealing with an enslaught of cold germs and virus’. So I had fully prepared myself with alcohol handrub, Vicks ‘FIRST DEFENCE’ nasal spray and one-a-day Seven Seas Multiprobionta ‘Immune Defence’ vitamins which I began taking a good week or two before he got back from the states. With the sudden threat of germ infested kid in the confines of my home this morning I dug straight into my handbag and attempted to use my Vicks ‘FIRST DEFENCE’ nasal spray.

The Instructions called for 2 or 3 sprays up each nostril 3 or 4 times per day. Then you’re not supposed to blow your nose.


Because at the first tiny puff of that toxic concentrated hospital smelling liquid hitting the top of my nasal cavity I thought my brain was going to try and punch it’s way out of my forehead. I’ve never done coke, but if people doing it on tv is anything like reality these two substances seem to provoke the same initial reaction. Which was to grab my nose and squeeze it while my eyes proceed to water and sting. At the same time my brain was looking for a sharp exit while I accompanied the whole ugly scene by growling a noise sounding like ‘GAAAHH’.

The sting subsided, the stink remained and not being able to stand it another second, I blew my nose.
Now I’m relying solely on alcohol hand cleanser, Multiprobionta ‘Immune Defence’ vitamins, lots of water, plenty of sleep and huge doses of luck. If I’m feeling generous I won’t make the boy remove all his clothing in the entrance hall and swab down with alcohol hand rub upon his return from school every day.

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